Walking in Circles

Today the realization hit me sharply in the face...after all these years of unfair low self esteem i find out for sure that its not me. I dont really know if the intensity and blandness of my to this degree can happen at the exact same. I just find it too harrowing. All this time i was driving myself insane over and over that i am and ignorant brat who cudnt care less for any1 feelings stomping all over them. but all this time i always found it even more disturbing that if someone gets all wobly and watery at all those severe insults and never ending batches of degradation could possibly inflict that kind of pain on others intentionally or een without knowing? This really baffles me...but the sheer vulgarity of the fact i never had a chance, NEVER! and its gonna be that way no matter wot i do. My hatred and abhorence for myself was aaaaaaall this time trigered by someone elses abrasive behavior i dont really see the sense in it....why why why why was i pulled in that current swept along just because i was too young and from a time after them or just "Different" from that person. I mean......... fuck...its like telling a two year old not to follow ur mom or slapping a year old for stinkin!!!! this is an outrage that has way out for me apparently. And what hurts the most is that im no better everytime i comeout at the other end dust myself up and t-r-and that person just drags me in ad soils me up as filthy as ever and no one sees that ever... i mean is it really so or am i being self centered!!! ok mayb just a little but that persons attitude and rude mocking and dirty her up every time shes goin up-is just tooo much to put up with. And then thereis the temper i have to put up with...it was only verbal abuse i have had to put up since as long as i can remeber to this day physical abuse aswell. This pain is such that i wont be able to come up with words for it and another life even. the most uncomfortable pain. its started hanuting me. Whot i should do about it i really dont know i mean i have literrallly tried everything but the default-defunct response is always so harrowing and repulsive and ofcourse painfully excrutiatingly embarassingly hurtful that im left to nothings with each attemt to bridge up "the Gap". The amount of disturbance that this person causes me....aaaarghhh and its always ME that person is sooooo put offf by. Im just always killjoy of that persons everything. That person hates me so so much that would go to any xtent to prove it that its ME who is a some sort of complexed new born thinksomthingofherslf retard goofornothin monster. And it is always so audibly shown that She is always hitting me and say abusive language and wot not crap... an act that is put up to this day...im being hit or jeered at or being really frustrated irritated beyond the limit and i REACT to it...turms out im the one who was doing it in the firs place or directly at she has no right to do/say so she hit me soooooo haarrd and OMG loook shes hurt me sooo bad physical an emotional...and that person only hit me back in SELF DEFENCE! that coming frm some1 twice my age and weight....i feel as if im the target alllll the time and belive me not an oppertunity is missed. Its just sooooo fucking hopless. Hates me. wants to eliminate me. And should definitly nevr ever get any sort of importance. And i should never ever complian or express my dislike for anything because its my fault again that i "got all the facilities and everyone is always so worried about ONLY YOU" I hardly remember a time form childhood when money was not the issue...or should i rather say it was always someone in the way of my happines. Some one hated me so much form very begining that i wanted to cease to exist and was ill most of the time. dont do this dont do that evryone is soooo bigger than you, you are stupid a psycho a maniac a lunatic a weirdo, you enbarassed me here there everywhere. in a party a kid come and hits me and its my fault again! its always me vs them. I had sotpped all this blog stuff because i reasoned that im just working these things upp in my mind there is nothing like that...but oooh how the hatred flows! now that im taller and louder and somewht strongr-and this somehow sends that person into a more severe fit and things get completely out of hand aaftr that! all kinds of profanities are thrown at me! leaving me characterless...being accused of things for my own i wouldnt even come to imagine for my worst enemy (i know who that is now)! i mean i can go on about these painful pills on and on and on.... i just dont want to coz im sick being treated like that being confronted all the time...shit i dont even have anything that can make any1 jealous!dammit!!!!!! and especially them shitting on me all the time! always letting me down and leave alone for never acknoledging my efforts ooh thats a far cry I jsut find this pain too much to bear with... And most of all i dont want to be hated by them so that i end up being hated by every1. wot im trying to say is something like iwas 4 and they were 18+ and all them above that addressed me in a verry abrasive manner very unpolite always being done with things that by no means could make me comfortbale and to this day dont....when the politest anyon1 was to me was 1 slap hard enuff to unbalance me and every move a 'sin' i grew up to speak back like that until now thanks to some nice ppl i woudnt know how much like them i had become because thats the ways i was talked to, aproached, communicated. THIS is SSOOOOO UNFAIR!!!!

how nerve recking is the sound how blood draining the fury how dementing the look... the look like thousand daggers in my back , as if i was stark naked so hard to beleive yet that trechorous sound is able to bekon me to it and in its entirety its so mcuh bigger than hope and it shadows the lights of hope and it extinguishes the fire...the wind is blowing but i see no change and its definitley not blowing in my direction...its eerie sound lulls me to sleep from which i never want to wake up just be like that forver fo r the heck of it but nay. ...its that sound!

in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates 1. To make timid; fill with fear. 2. To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats. as in hes gud but im better but still hes gud...... thinking on this level i think im completely lost. or shud i say concieted, but lets not go there lve it for another post:p im lost for the fact that...i dont know how to put it in words in writting or verbally...its tooo difficult and there is oo so much confusion emotionally it clouds my thinking.... i fail to understand how to get rid/overcome that silent resident feeling of --from a great loss and when i try to reason it there is nothing enuff to hold up a solid one that would acknowldge my sanity for pleading hurt. and dammit i know only how much it hurts! just the problem lies in not making or developing a connection at any level its weird...i feel like superman exposed to kryptonite ;( i dont know as if i was sleeping all this while...when i was trying to washout the nightmares and bad memories all my abilities were wiped clean...i mean i noticed it from i f i mention sounds toatallly stupid but im not at all intuitive as b4 i was 97% and i dont enjoy drawing anymore so i dont come up with original moving ideas, i dont react to sensitive situations as sensitively i wud infact ive bcom very insensitive and arrogant...ofcourse i dont belive in myself the way i used to especially whne i was upto craziest of stuff and it always worked right amazingly...im too lethargic now and im not photogenic anymore this the biggest freaky thing goin on and im afraid my anxiety will nevr let me land a opposite sex relationship i so long for...ok this last i guy tried to have connection with thot of me too insecure which i am in all its humble entirety now and that i was looking for a relationship where some1 wud perk me up all the time...wot i was looking for was to establish a connection...i used to be able to do that msot of the guys and any1 whom i felt i shared a cause with and people used to get amazed and impressed now at 22 i feel i have learned nothing achieved nothing got nothing and on these basis wil never get nothing!!! i jsut cant make sense of things and im thick--now thats mega embarassing--not able to link things the right way even when i try my hardest the end result is soooo obviusly lame that i feel foolish to even gove ti a cchance i dont know wot has ccaused all this but i do know this is not how it shud be and i have no idea how to fix that -so im pretty darn confused am i missing on something? or wot ? and im shit scared of staying this way...HELP

Your erratic laughter and your I don't give a sh*t behavior your style filled with sophistication you always leave me flooded in admiration Your undying love, your trust and support even at times when they I did abort making you feel sometimes as if you were lost a fool I was and trust me I have paid the cost. For you are great just being who you are and when there are times I seem too distant and too far remember these words on this paper you are a diamond and you know they last forever. I could never in a million years forget these happy memories we share I always wondered if God missed you up there cause you're an angel walking right beside me here. You accuse me of taking you for granted but that was never what I had intended and although I still think you are spoilt rotten to me you're symbolic of the manna God let fall from heaven. And so many times your company I crave although you say I only remember you on my most loniest of days that I treat you like a pair of tennis shoes but you know that's so far from the truth and trust me they are the most comfortable pairs and if that's the case I'll admit you I would wear until the damn soles disappear and then I'll place you in my trophy case to show you off as the one that helped me win the race. I must admit there are days I won't call nor write but never a second did you ever leave my mind you have touched my life in such a meaningful way you could always turn my lemons into lemonade. Thankyou for helping me get my act together for showing me that I had so much to offer I sometimes sit and wonder what I did to deserve friends like you I guess I ain't as bad as I often assume and I know you'd say there you go again making an arse out of me and you. And never a day goes by me not thinking of you my friend --THANK U *Rk!

Life, believe, is not a dream So dark as sages say; Oft a little morning rain Foretells a pleasant day. Sometimes there are clouds of gloom, But these are transient all; If the shower will make the roses bloom, O why lament its fall ? Rapidly, merrily, Life's sunny hours flit by, Gratefully, cheerily, Enjoy them as they fly ! What though Death at times steps in And calls our Best away ? What though sorrow seems to win, O'er hope, a heavy sway ? Yet hope again elastic springs, Unconquered, though she fell; Still buoyant are her golden wings, Still strong to bear us well. Manfully, fearlessly, The day of trial bear, For gloriously, victoriously, Can courage quell despair ! By: Charlotte Brontë

my shweeeeeeeeto mom was soooooooo tired tonite after preparing dinner party for dad's freinds that she asked me to massage her legs...the poor thing she was walking and standing all day long in the kitchen.....how fondly se remebrs her childhood whenevr i do that for her and my heart shatters into zillion peices feelings that----just ----uh awwwwwwwwwwwww! just want to make her feel sooooo special and nice that she forgts all the pain ever.....:,(

aarrrrggggggggh----i cant make the lamp shade and i have to submit it on tuesday for final term :( the tension has taken complete control of me till im sore....and im putting off the assignment for monday on sunday which i shud have done today....:P i just cant figure out an easy way to hold its shape the shade is very wobbly at the momnet and im too damn tired right now to do any further damage! ........the hand of fate has a very weird sene of humor....just how much more can i take this BS....the guy im interested in is not that into me and freaks out over a sms i send him--he is sooo turned off that he doesnt even pick up the damn fone-he turns it off! ******** i dunno when or how i succeeded in shutting down memory lane and brainwashing it as well---! its good i did and its verrrrry bad that it did happen...veeerrryyyy rusty now! havent watched any new movies latley---all related devices broke down simeltaneously.....:/ had an appointment at an agenc--didnt make it oday after canceling yesterday [haawww] very baaaaad impression things just have to screw up at the wrong time.........hmmm i guess im left with working hrad my ass off on portfolio as quick as possible and i know now that i have resolved to do this its never going to happen in centuries.....it a looveeeeelyyy weather today! but wot a shame didnt go out at all and ofcourse my {supposed] bf has totally ditched me! hes not ready for a relationship im not ready for it ---endof story! but i want that some1 special so baaadlyyyyyy at this time of my life! uffff i must;ve bcome a NUN!!!AAAAACK