Walking in Circles

Today the realization hit me sharply in the face...after all these years of unfair low self esteem i find out for sure that its not me. I dont really know if the intensity and blandness of my to this degree can happen at the exact same. I just find it too harrowing. All this time i was driving myself insane over and over that i am and ignorant brat who cudnt care less for any1 feelings stomping all over them. but all this time i always found it even more disturbing that if someone gets all wobly and watery at all those severe insults and never ending batches of degradation could possibly inflict that kind of pain on others intentionally or een without knowing? This really baffles me...but the sheer vulgarity of the fact i never had a chance, NEVER! and its gonna be that way no matter wot i do. My hatred and abhorence for myself was aaaaaaall this time trigered by someone elses abrasive behavior i dont really see the sense in it....why why why why was i pulled in that current swept along just because i was too young and from a time after them or just "Different" from that person. I mean......... fuck...its like telling a two year old not to follow ur mom or slapping a year old for stinkin!!!! this is an outrage that has way out for me apparently. And what hurts the most is that im no better everytime i comeout at the other end dust myself up and t-r-and that person just drags me in ad soils me up as filthy as ever and no one sees that ever... i mean is it really so or am i being self centered!!! ok mayb just a little but that persons attitude and rude mocking and dirty her up every time shes goin up-is just tooo much to put up with. And then thereis the temper i have to put up with...it was only verbal abuse i have had to put up since as long as i can remeber to this day physical abuse aswell. This pain is such that i wont be able to come up with words for it and another life even. the most uncomfortable pain. its started hanuting me. Whot i should do about it i really dont know i mean i have literrallly tried everything but the default-defunct response is always so harrowing and repulsive and ofcourse painfully excrutiatingly embarassingly hurtful that im left to nothings with each attemt to bridge up "the Gap". The amount of disturbance that this person causes me....aaaarghhh and its always ME that person is sooooo put offf by. Im just always killjoy of that persons everything. That person hates me so so much that would go to any xtent to prove it that its ME who is a some sort of complexed new born thinksomthingofherslf retard goofornothin monster. And it is always so audibly shown that She is always hitting me and say abusive language and wot not crap... an act that is put up to this day...im being hit or jeered at or being really frustrated irritated beyond the limit and i REACT to it...turms out im the one who was doing it in the firs place or directly at she has no right to do/say so she hit me soooooo haarrd and OMG loook shes hurt me sooo bad physical an emotional...and that person only hit me back in SELF DEFENCE! that coming frm some1 twice my age and weight....i feel as if im the target alllll the time and belive me not an oppertunity is missed. Its just sooooo fucking hopless. Hates me. wants to eliminate me. And should definitly nevr ever get any sort of importance. And i should never ever complian or express my dislike for anything because its my fault again that i "got all the facilities and everyone is always so worried about ONLY YOU" I hardly remember a time form childhood when money was not the issue...or should i rather say it was always someone in the way of my happines. Some one hated me so much form very begining that i wanted to cease to exist and was ill most of the time. dont do this dont do that evryone is soooo bigger than you, you are stupid a psycho a maniac a lunatic a weirdo, you enbarassed me here there everywhere. in a party a kid come and hits me and its my fault again! its always me vs them. I had sotpped all this blog stuff because i reasoned that im just working these things upp in my mind there is nothing like that...but oooh how the hatred flows! now that im taller and louder and somewht strongr-and this somehow sends that person into a more severe fit and things get completely out of hand aaftr that! all kinds of profanities are thrown at me! leaving me characterless...being accused of things for my own i wouldnt even come to imagine for my worst enemy (i know who that is now)! i mean i can go on about these painful pills on and on and on.... i just dont want to coz im sick being treated like that being confronted all the time...shit i dont even have anything that can make any1 jealous!dammit!!!!!! and especially them shitting on me all the time! always letting me down and leave alone for never acknoledging my efforts ooh thats a far cry I jsut find this pain too much to bear with... And most of all i dont want to be hated by them so that i end up being hated by every1. wot im trying to say is something like iwas 4 and they were 18+ and all them above that addressed me in a verry abrasive manner very unpolite always being done with things that by no means could make me comfortbale and to this day dont....when the politest anyon1 was to me was 1 slap hard enuff to unbalance me and every move a 'sin' i grew up to speak back like that until now thanks to some nice ppl i woudnt know how much like them i had become because thats the ways i was talked to, aproached, communicated. THIS is SSOOOOO UNFAIR!!!!